Dear Every Airline Ever (besides Air NZ),
I suggest you send your top brass on a holiday to NZ, post-haste. If for no other reason than studying what air travel should (and can) be. You’re welcome. Contact me for banking info so you can send me a cut of your inevitably skyrocketing profits.
The precedent is set early. A gate attendant quickly and deftly helped me resolved a lingering visa/passport issue with a simple call to NZ immigration. I can imagine your policy in a similar situation: “figure it out yo-self.” Why, thank you. So helpful.
As we pushed back from the gate, a friendly flight attendant (yes, friendly) inquired about what I’d like to drink with my special meal. Bwah? I’d requested a special meal? Turns out I had! Thanks for remembering, and for the delicious Sauvignon Blanc, or “Sav” as they call it in NZ. Loogit me, learning local slang!
But the in-flight entertainment was the real kicker. I watched about five movies and ten television episodes between nodding off from the sleeping meds I’d taken (sadly not airline provided, so there’s one point for improvement) and the tasty meal service. There were even movies I’d been trying to see for some time: Contagion, The Descendants, Fantastic Mr. Fox, 21 Jump Street (lowbrow! brilliant!); and some classic comedies: Anchorman, The Hangover. The list of television available goes on and on: Arrested Development, BBC/NatGeo nature shows, Modern Family, Family Guy, Family Ties (jk). I know, in-flight entertainment isn’t a new or unique thing, but it’s often done so poorly its hardly worth bothering. Usually either the selection, sound, picture, or interface are so terrible that I give up and go back to reading. How primitive!
Oh! I nearly forgot the seats! The seats in coach class are easily more comfortable than my chairs at home. They have headrests adjustable in infinite ways, they’re wide, and they lean back nice and far. Why pay for first class? Which reminds me, who are the crazy people spending $10k on a first class seat for their toddler? That kid has no idea what he’s got going for him, and will be rudely awakened when the real world (and coach class) comes calling.
So, in short, that was the fastest twelve hour flight I’ve ever experienced. I was even a little disappointed when it ended. How will I ever know what happens to the Bluth family?
International Air Travelers Everywhere
P.S. Maybe some other airlines do it right. If you know of any that pump Ambien into the air above toddlers, let me know.